Baby, Child, Teenager, Adult, Old

noun

1. 1.

   a person who is fully grown or developed.

   synonyms:

   grown person, grown man, grown woman, grown-up person, grown-up,mature person, mature man, mature woman, person of mature age.

adjective

1. fully grown or developed.

This is the dictionary's definition of the word 'adult'. As you can see, the main words used are 'grown', 'mature' and 'developed'. Which is an unarguable definition. The harder question and answer is, when do people fit this profile? Can we clarify an exact line, definition or time when people change from a teenager to an adult? Currently, we define adulthood by age. The age of an 'adult' varies from country to country. People debate whether the age set is right or not. I think the problem is, is there really a 'coming of age' where people enter adulthood? 

There's been a few discussions about legal age limits and when someone should be classified as an 'adult'. Generally, most people consider 18 and after as 'adult age'. But as put by child psychologist Laverne Antrobus, "The idea that suddenly at 18 you're an adult just doesn't quite ring true," (Wallis, L. 2013)  I couldn't put it better myself. The reason why we keep discussing age limits is because people's behaviour makes us question more and more 'what age are you technically an adult?'

In all honesty, I've never really thought of myself as an adult until recently. In my late teens I got to a stage where I didn't want to be an adult but I didn't want to always be treated like a baby either. I didn't mind a bit of responsibility, but I never wanted a lot of it because it scared me. I didn't want anything to possibly my fault. I hated pressure and possibly letting anyone down. The idea and feeling of disappointment kills me. It still does.

Pressure, responsibility and disappointment still scares me to no end, but the difference now is that I accept that I have to do it and I'm less scared. I don't think this makes me an adult. It just shows how much I've changed. My attitude is very different. Before, I'd only do things if I was forced to, but still hoped someone would help me or take-over. Now, I'm more than capable of doing something alone or with help. Either way makes no difference. Even if it's a difficult task and I feel out of my depth, and when I actually do need help I'm not scared to ask for help or to just step-up and get on with it because I know that's what's needed of me. Nobody likes for things to be their fault or to feel pressure, but I handle it a lot better now and I can step-up and up-my-game when needed now.

This is partly why I feel and classify myself as an adult now. It's only after living independently alone, and working at a real job in a foreign country that I feel like an adult. I had a job before and I lived away from home before too. But I was never independent. I think everyone matures at different rates, but I do think living alone, properly alone, helps. Not like at university where you're still surrounded by friends, live with friends and visit home regularly, and only studying or 'studying'. I grew up a bit at university but nowhere near as much as I have here in Korea.

At university I thought I was really independent. It was the most independent I had ever been so far in my life. Arranging and organising my accommodation, handling larger finances than I had ever had before (thank you student loans!!) and generally being more in control of my life. However, I was getting decent amounts of money every semester as long as I was enrolled at university. I was obviously studying and working hard, but let's face it, studying at university and working a proper full-time job are two different things. Both are strenuous in different ways. Studying lets us learn while working lets us handle finances.

This post is not an excuse to toot my own horn. I'm just trying to highlight that although I've always had amazing people around me that have helped me and guided me no matter what I was doing or tackling, and I've basically always been the same in personality and attitude, I'm now a much stronger and independent person. I've matured. A lot. And it's maturity that's key to being an adult. You can be wise, act tough or independent, be older, but that won't necessarily being an adult. You can see the world and still be narrow-minded and immature. I've met plenty of people like that in England and Korea.

I think the definition in the dictionary is right. It's about growth, maturity and development. The important thing though, is that it's of the mind; not the body. Maturing and growing-up is different for every person. For me, I had to live alone, away from home and do a real, full-time job. I'm guessing this is the case for most people. Again, I know a lot of people who have done this but still haven't matured. Not maturing and being an adult isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just something we must all do eventually. It's not optional. It's part of life.

In all honesty, I connect better with mature people. Immaturity is fine, but I really hate when someone can't be serious when something serious is happening. It just grates on me. I might be a spoil sport and up-tight but that's how I feel. Trying to talk seriously with someone who keeps trying to make jokes is like when someone tells you and insists that you're angry or annoyed. It's irritating and rubs you the wrong way and it makes you angry, even if you wasn't beforehand.

Wallis, L. (2013) Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood? [Online] BBC. Available from: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24173194  [29/12/2013]

Love-phobia: Trust Issues, Love Issues, Issues

This post is linked to my previous post "When you like someone"  in my other blog "Thinking Things Through". 


It's a bit cliché but I can't help it. I have massive issues when it comes to guys and relationships. 

Apparently this is how I react to affection ... and boys.

Don't get me wrong. I'm like the male character.

A little dramatic, but you get the idea...
 ... I runaway ... 

I have quite a few issues when it comes to relationships. I have trust issues and I'm a bit uptight. Especially when it comes to my emotions. I'm that cliché person. The one that's like that character from that movie. You know, the one that finds it hard to let people in and all that jazz. Because of this, I have a lot of people predicting that I'll end up in some kind of crazy whirlwind romance where I'll get married spontaneously and have a million babies and live happily ever after ... God forbid! That would be horrendous! Sure I would like to be in love, me loving him and him loving me back, but I definitely don't wish for a movie-like love life. That's something I really don't want. I don't like romantic films or books, let alone living one. It's just not my thing.

What's my problem? Where to begin? Well, I don't really think I have a 'problem' as such. Some people think I do. There are just a lot of things about guys, people, relationships and myself that scare and worry me. Which is quite natural, right? I just let these things get to me more than some people. But these are not the sole reasons for me never having a boyfriend. I do choose to be single. As I've written before, I don't wish to get in a relationship with just any guy or for no good reason. That's just not how I am.

So, the next question of course is, why do I have these 'issues'. Well, as I've said before, I've had some bad 'friends' in the past and I'm sure there are many more to come. They are partly why I have trust issues. It's negative and blunt, but it's a sad fact that people screw other people over all of the time. Random people and so-called friends, and even possibly family will try to screw you over. I've met and known a lot of horrible people in my life, and they don't give me much hope for humanity or society. I don't believe they're all bad at heart, but they certainly don't make the world a better place.

I've always been a really open person. I've always talked about myself and my life quite openly. I think maybe that's why I've always been naturally quite good with people. However, now I find it hard to actually get properly close with someone. I've regretted getting close with my ex-friends and now I find myself quite detached with people. I'm still open, but in a more robotic way. I don't mind talking about experiences, opinions and so forth, but I don't let people in.

I don't have many close friends that I trust and would rely on. I mostly have 'acquaintances', some friends and only 4 real close friends in the whole world. Which is more than enough for me. I love my close friends to bits and I appreciate them wholeheartedly. And that's because I know how hard it is to find real friends like them. We're on the same wavelength. Not necessarily have the same opinions or anything, we just understand each other and treat each other with the same respect. We're on the same page, so to speak. With my other friends it's mostly them opening up and talking. I don't really talk about personal matters; only listen to theirs and talk about general crap to be honest. So I'm pretty sure finding a boyfriend of the same standard as my close friends (trusting, loyal and reliable) is going to be a mission and a half, to say the least.

The other reason why I have issues with boys and relationships is because while I haven't ever had a boyfriend, I've seen and watched people go in and out of relationships. I've known people who have been hurt and those who have been causing the pain. I've discussed this with my friends before and it's kind of scary. We all know people who are nice and that make good friends but make horrible horrible partners. As a friend, they treat you really nicely but they treat their partners like shit. And there are also people who are naturally two-faced and manipulative. They mess with your heads, twist everything their way and make it always seem like they're the victim somehow. There's also the people who just out-rightly don't give a shit about their partners. They don't play the game 'treat them mean and keep them keen'. They're just arseholes acting like arseholes (excuse my French). And of course, we also know people who are just outright players. That just want to score and have sex. Whether if that's with you or the next person that walks by. And that will happily date more than one person at the same time. Of course there are lovely people, but they're usually taken, not interested or you're not interested. They're so nice that of course they're not single. Or they're happily single and just happily doing their own thing. Or they're lovely and you want to be friends with them and hope that they meet someone special that'll treat them nicely because they're so lovely that you can't help but want them to find happiness. Yet for some reason, you don't want to be that person.... This is one of those annoying things about life; it just can't be simple can it?

I think this is a weird issue. I'm quite weird. Basically, I get annoyed when I like someone.... Yeah weird, I know. I said that. Why do I get annoyed when I like someone? Because I'm generally an independent person that just does my own thing and just does what needs to be done. But when I like someone I turn into a complete girl! I get shy and I end up saying loads of stupid things and all of my thoughts start to revolve around that person. This is typical girl behaviour, but the thing is, I'm not a typical girl. I'm not very girlie. Like I said, I'm detached with my emotions and I'm generally quite logical. So being out of character just because I like someone terrify me. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel irrational. It's scary and thrilling all at the same time, and I like but hate the person at the same time. And all of my insecurities seem to be amplified. It sounds over-dramatic, but I feel like I can't trust myself. My reasoning goes out of the window and how the person responds to me or my feelings feels like they'll make or break me. This is why I feel vulnerable. And this is why I smile but then automatically hate myself for smiling when I think about him. I don't want to be defined by someone else and I don't like feeling dependent on another person.

My last issue is simply this. I'll admit, hands down, that I'm not ready nor am I willing to be in a relationship right now because I want to concentrate on me and work out my life. I know I could work on me and be in a relationship. But if I was to be in a relationship, hypothetically speaking, I would want to commit to that person, compromise with him and be a good girlfriend. Like, making and spending time with him. Travelling to see him, travelling somewhere together, take an interest in his interests etc... I'd do things less or more for the sake of him. If you're not willing to work at it, compromise and take the other person into consideration, then why be in a relationship? I don't have the time or perspective to do all of that for someone at the moment. I don't want to have to think about another person other than me right now. In time I will, but not right now. It sounds selfish, but I can't help but want to sort out my life first before having to consider another and incorporate him into my life.

First World Problem: Trivial but annoying

Waiting: A Tiresome Job

So I thought I'd write a quick blog as I'm waiting for the gas man to come and do a quick safety check.

I've been waiting for just over an hour and I'm already going crazy!



The gas man comes round every now and then to do checks to make sure there aren't any problems or gas leaks. Which is fine. Quite reassuring to be honest. The problem is because I'm usually busy I haven't been in my apartment when he's been coming over to my apartment building. So I arranged for someone to come over and didn't make any other plans. He never came. He came the next day, when I was at work. And again when I wasn't in. So my co-teacher kindly rang up and arranged for someone to come again. Basically the same thing happened. Now I receive a notice stating if I don't have a check soon the gas to my apartment will be cut-off. So here I am. Sitting and waiting once again.

I've quickly cleaned up the place. Got to make the place half-presentable right? Started to do other little bits and bobs. Researching jobs and volunteer work. Then started to get hungry. And guess what? I don't have any food to eat. One of the things I love about Korea and my apartment is that there's a convenient store at the bottom of my building. However, I have to wait for the stupid gas man. I don't really hate the gas man, but I'm starting to. Usually I could just pop down and get some noodles or crisps or other snacks or something to whip up a meal at least. But not today. Oh no. Got to wait. Especially as knowing my luck, he'll come the 5 minutes I'm not actually here.

This is becoming one of those FML moments.

So now, of course, all I can think about is food, then I try not to think about food but end up thinking about food again as my stomach won't allow me to think about anything else.

Now I'm really thinking FML.

Then, eureka! I've realised something. "I can have food delivered!!!!" Thank you modern day society and your marvelous technology and great way of living!

You know how I wrote 'knowing my luck' because I have shit luck? Well here it is again. Knowing my luck, of course I can't access my account. Therefore, I cannot get food delivered. Grrr! Right? One of the most frustrating things is when you can't do or get something when you actually want it. It's like this is happening on purpose. Like something's trying to tease or taunt me. Just for fun. So I now feel like this:



Just now, I had another moment of clarity. Except this time I'm less excited. I'm irritably hungry right now and I now hate this website. But for a chance to get any food I'm going to have to register again. This is a long-winded process just go get food.

My large potato and bacon pizza was delivered and I ate most of it while watching 'Will and Grace'. So I'm happy right now. Even though I'm still waiting for the gas man. At least I'm doing it while I'm full and in bed. Food and warmth is all that I need to be content.

Moral of the story? People really do turn ugly when you become between them and food. People are like savages when they're hungry. I don't think it's a bad thing. People and things just shouldn't get in the way of eating time, quite frankly. Unless you want to make someone very irritated. Literally, when the door bell rang and I heard it was the pizza delivery man I was like this:

So happy! When food is ready, it's like the best news ever!

Apologies

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately. I've been really busy and on-and-off sick too. Very sad times. So here's a quick cheeky post while I have a bit of time before the next period (luckily and sensibly we have 10 minutes between every period here in Korea. So teachers and students have time to move classrooms, go to the toilet, quickly run an errand or even sneak in a quick cheeky nap haha).

If you're a regular reader (don't really know what the right word for that is. My bad) you've probably already noticed that I'm writing in a really different style to normally. This is because I'm in a rush to write and I felt bad for not posting so I'm writing more like how I speak. Are you surprised? Maybe this sounds a lot different. The only problem with typing fast is that I end up writing how I speak ... And that's just saying whatever pops into my head. Actually that's why I'm a people's person. I just talk crap haha.

Anyways, back to the point. This post is basically an apology for not posting much lately. I promise I'll post some of the ideas I've had. I've thought of loads of stuff I want to write about but I haven't had any time to sit down and properly write anything for ages. I've been teaching, helping out, teaching English to Korean adults, catching up with friends, studying Korean, doing normal stuff in-between, trying to contact people back in England ... It's just all mounted up suddenly and it's been mental. So, sorry.

Secondly, I just wanted to quickly get something off of my chest. This will probably be the shorted blog I've ever written because of the lack of time to write this and because the point to this is quite simple. It's simply this: I miss England and I appreciate it so much more. I've finally made a decision. I will be coming home after this contract has finished .... AHHHHHHHHHH! Nervous but I'm looking forward to it. I'm glad I've made a decision and I feel relieved that I finally have. And lately I've been looking forward to going home more and more. What things? Mostly from youtube. I've been watching and listening to a lot of British things and people on the net. I miss the British humour, behaviour, attitude ... I actually miss British people. Kinda weird. Not gonna lie.

And there goes the bell. I'll check in again later with a proper post hopefully :) Have a good day. If you check out the links below then I hope you like them! They're just some of the stuff that I've fallen in love with in the last two days. Must dash! Love xxx

http://www.youtube.com/user/JacksGap

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHJyI-2q3U4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LXzCtPQVVA

P.S. Sorry if the music links have anything weird in it. I didn't actually check them.
(Yes I like those songs, judge me if you want. I don't care. They're good songs. In my opinion anyway).

Growth spurt or stunted?

When you look at yourself, can you tell how much you've grown? Really look and analyse yourself as a whole; as a person. How have you developed, improved, gotten stronger? What weaknesses are still there? Which have disappeared? Which are new?

Are you still growing 

or have you hit a brick wall 

and find it hard to grow some more?

We all physically stop growing taller after we're 'adults'. (I use inverted commas because I don't believe you can classify someone as an adult by age; only through their mental maturity). But our bodies still grow and change after we stop growing taller, as does our personalities and our way of thinking. The way we think and behave is always changing. That we can't stop.

We're always growing and changing. I think I've become a better person, mostly. Maybe ... In some ways more than others at least. The bits that aren't that great will change and grow as I grow older though, so it's OK.

It's strange because when I analysed myself I noticed something for the first time. In the last couple of years, I've definitely grown into my own person. Again, whether that's a good thing or not, I'm not sure. I've gotten a better grasp of what my strengths, weaknesses and limits are, but I'm still unsure about a lot of things, like what I want to do with my life. I think during the last couple of years I've become more confident, but my self-esteem is still quite low. So I've somehow managed to become confident but still have a low self-esteem... Is that possible? You always imagine confidence and having a good self-esteem hand-in-hand right? Maybe it's because I know my strengths, weaknesses and limits. So I'm confident in my strengths and my capabilities. I'm also confident in doing things within my limits. But I know that I've never shaken off the harsh judgments I've always made about myself since I was young. My limits and weaknesses are a big flaw to me. We all have flaws, I know. But no judge is harsher on you than yourself, right? I can't help it. I've accepted my flaws, but that also means I'm well aware of what they are and their existence.

What am I good at? Honestly, I'm a huge contradiction. I've always been a bit socially awkward and yet I'm really good with people. I find it easy to talk and interact, and people have always said I'm really friendly and approachable. People have always felt comfortable around me.

At university I discovered that I naturally mirror people. This is a good communication skill to have. I learnt that mirroring people's body language is a good way to help people feel relaxed and comfortable around you. It's like their subconscious picks up on it and thinks you're on the same wavelength and that you're similar people. I mirror people automatically. I've always reacted to people. I change according to people and always have. I think I did it when I was young to try to fit in. I always felt out of place so I naturally began to mirror other people to feel socially accepted; by my older siblings, adults and school mates.

I wouldn't say I've changed much since when I was young. I'm pretty much the same. I've just grown into my own person. I'm more comfortable with who I am and I accept who I am. I know what works for me and what doesn't, but I still have a long way to go to be more like how I want to be. I still have a lot of weaknesses and flaws that I want to work on. I don't have any natural abilities.

I'm not naturally good at sports, not naturally clever, I can't do anything musically related (I like singing and dancing, but I'm not good at it) and I don't have any special abilities. But this doesn't stop me working hard.

I firmly believe that if I'm going to do something then I'm going to do it to the best of my ability so that I don't regret working harder. I'll know that I've done everything within my capability. Even if I don't get the result I want, I'm happy knowing that I did what I could. I can't regret something I can't change.

I think that's it. I think that's how I've grown. Although I have no natural abilities or skills, I do try and work really damn hard. And I know that I work hard. I work harder than a lot of other English teachers here. I've always been the one that goes O.T.T. with my projects and studies. I'm really O.C.D and I have to do everything precisely and thoroughly so that I know what's what and what's not. So for me, it doesn't matter that I don't excel in anything. I still work hard and I love working hard. That's enough for me. Do what I can and the best that I can. I can't do any more and I don't want to do any less.

Growing is important and necessary, but it doesn't have to happen constantly. Like I've said in previous posts, I only went through three turning points in my life; early and late teens, and recently. Except for these times, I have pretty much stayed the same. And actually, before now I hadn't changed that dramatically. It was all fairly gradual and natural. Because that's the thing, growing is natural. So even if you're not changing much now, it's fine. You'll always be growing. A little or a lot, it doesn't matter. Just remember that you are constantly growing, and you will continue to grow and change. It's not something you need or have to force. Just let it be.

Focus more on the progress you made. You've definitely progressed. So keep that in mind.

So, how about you? How much have you grown? Are you going through a growth spurt or are you 'stunted' and slowly growing at the moment?

Escape from the world

There are always times where you just want to run away from everything. There's been plenty of times where I've wanted to just curl up and just sleep. Not out of laziness. Well, not always out of laziness. Just as a means of escape.

Reality can be hard to deal with sometimes. It's hard to escape reality though. So that's why there are always those days where you do nothing or just procrastinate. Sometimes it's because it's a coping mechanism. Sometimes it's just what we revert back to in order to maintain our sanity. Sometimes it's out of habit or laziness. And of course, there are other reasons.

It's strange because I'm pretty diverse and I can handle almost anything thrown at me when put to the test, and I love working hard (like I said, it's strange ... I'm strange). But I also love being lazy. My bed is actually my happy place. Or, as my sister puts it, as long as I have a pillow I'm pretty happy. (I'm actually in love with pillows). My sister does joke that I have a look of love when I'm cuddling a pillow; it's like it's my boyfriend or something. Who needs a man when you have a pillow huh?

(Bed sweet bed <3).

Sometimes just being warm and comfortable, left alone to think or not think is pretty nice. 

They say ignorance is bliss. I agree with this to an extent. Ignorance can also be harmful. But when it's blissful, it's really nice. I think that's why I like aimless thinking, daydreaming and getting lost in things. It's a great way to escape from the world.

We all like to escape from the world. Why do you think we all have hobbies and daydream? I get lost in a lot of different things. In music, dancing, drawing, reading, watching anime and when I rest my head. I always revert back into a bubble which I've maintained since I was young. I think it's partially because my mind wants to escape, and it's partially just a habit. I've always lived in my own little world.

 Sometimes you just don't want to think about things though. The more you think about it, the more you get annoyed or upset. This is how I'm feeling right now. People are annoying me. A LOT!

People are really grating on me at the moment. Especially random people making stupid comments on Facebook. So my way of escaping at the moment is by deactivating my Facebook account. I've never done it before. I've known people to do it to be more productive. But my reason is purely that I'm seeing a lot of things that just irritates me. People can be unbelievably annoying. I know everyone can be annoying, including myself, but right now, it's everyone else that's annoying me with their stupid comments and statuses. I regularly go on Facebook. You know, like a lot of people, automatically going on for no particular reason. So it's hard for me to not read the annoying comments. I can easily ignore and not comment back to people. Although I think bad things (I'm only human), I'm not one of those people that will voice my opinion regardless of the other person. So yeah, I ignore people and bite my tongue regularly, but their obnoxious and irritating comments still annoy me!

You know what I mean. Those comments that make you want to break your computer...



Or bang your head against your desk ...

There's been a growing debate about networking sites and how people use them. It's sad. Some people definitely need to control themselves more on them, but I'm not sure what people can do about it. Things like bullying and people being too outspoken has always been an issue. I don't think it can be stopped. It's too hard to control. This is something I want to cover in another post. But for now I'll say this. If people are getting annoyed or upset by some people's comments, sometimes retaliating will just fuel the fire and it's better to just cut yourself off from those people. You may not have done anything wrong, but if it's getting to you then just cut yourself off. Either by ignoring it, blocking people or deactivating your account for a bit. You're not running away, you're not being a coward, you're just escaping from all of the crap you don't have to deal with. There's nothing wrong with that. Like I've said, people have to escape from things; whatever it is and for whatever reasons. There's nothing wrong with escaping from people or the world. It's something everyone does and needs to do from time to time.

Do whatever you need for you. As long as it's not hurting anybody else, then there shouldn't be a problem. It's reasonable. Everybody needs to escape sometimes.

Decisions, decisions ...

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote 'Finding The Right Career Path' on my other blog 'Thinking Things Through'. I wrote about the different ways I've tried to find and choose the right career for me, and how and why my way of thinking changed over time. It's not hard to find or choose the right job for you. I know it'll take time and I'll have to do various jobs I won't like, but I'll have to in order to discover what job(s) suits me.

At the moment, I'm having a hard time deciding what to do next year. I'm not sure whether to enjoy life in Korea for one more year or to return to England and get back on track. The first one sounds more fun, while the latter is much more sensible. But we don't always want the sensible thing do we? And we definitely don't want to be sensible all of the time. A bit of fun and 'you-time' is desirable, but that can't be the case forever either.

My original decision to come here for just one year has already changed once. I renewed my contract before and now I've been here for a year and a half. I decided to stay another year because I was happy here, and I weighed out my options. Staying for one more year and returning home after saving more money, experiencing more of Korea and Asia, doing a job I love, and seeing my new friends more before having to say goodbye was definitely the best decision. I thought so a year ago and I still think so. However, those same reasons don't really apply now. So, to say the same things now feels more like excuses rather than real reasons.

My friends and colleagues in Korea said I should stay another year. My family and friends at home have said if I'm happy then I should stay another year. I am happy, but for some reason I'm still hesitating. I don't feel. Last year, I was really sure that I wanted to stay another year and it was the best thing to do, for me. This time, however, I'm completely torn. I have no idea what is the best decision.

My mind keeps going back and forth between the following arguments.

1. Everyone keeps mentioning money. My salary will go up if I renew again and I will have more time to save. Money's never been that important to me.  I think of it to be more practical than a necessity. So, for me, this is just a bonus, not a reason to stay.
2. I love it here. I have friends, a job I love with colleagues I like with a steady income and I can live comfortably. I can afford to do all of the things I want to do (within reason, obviously). I've not had to worry about my finances since being here. I've always been good with money so I've steadily been saving. I live pretty well here. I know I won't be able to live like this back at home. Not straightaway.
3. I'm not only comfortable but I'm happy. As I've mentioned before, being genuinely happy with my life is a pretty big deal for me. It's probably the first time that I've been happy with my life as a whole.
4. However, I feel an obligation to go home and see my family and friends. Especially after my mum told me "We feel like we're losing you." This makes me feel bad, but I have to admit, it's a pretty silly thing to say. I don't deny that they might feel like that, but I do doubt that it's that big of a deal. It's not like their lives have stopped because of me. They're still happy and carrying on with their lives. I know it's mostly just my mum being motherly and protective and a bit clingy.
5. It would be practical to go home and work out what I want to do with my life. I've been eager to find a proper job for a while. I've been thinking, I don't care if I still haven't got a good job or husband and family by the time I'm 30, but I don't want to turn 30 and still not have tried to do anything with my life. I don't want to keep procrastinating and delaying the inevitable; I need to try to do something with my life; try to be happy; try and not regret doing nothing. As my sister put it, "Just remember, you're not getting any younger."
6. I'm not sure how long I want to live here, but I've always known I'd never settle down here. I've gone from doing a year, to wanting to stay longer and now considering staying even longer ... Is there much point in staying longer and longer when I know I'll never move here permanently? People say I'm thinking too much about the future and I'm young. Which is true. I just don't want to waste years of my life when I know it's a waste. If I work hard at something and it ends up being futile or useless, fine. But to put in energy and time on something you know won't amount to anything, anything worthwhile or lasting, what's the point? I can spend more time with friends but I can't do much more to further my career or get much more out of this experience to be honest. I've already gotten everything I could have hoped for out of it.
7. Mostly, I feel sentimental attachments here. I've been told that's a good enough reason and not to dismiss the importance of sentiment. The problem is, as I've written before in other posts, that's not the type of person I am and for me it seems like an odd reason to stay. It's not unimportant, but I'd never choose something solely based on sentiment. Not something as big as this, at least.

I don't think there's necessarily a right answer. Unfortunately there's not always a right answer. Life isn't that black and white. It'll always depend on circumstances, and you'll never know what will be the effects; short term or long term. So, from hindsight it might be easier to say what was the right choice, but even then you can't guarantee what impact or outcomes that decision would have led to either.

With situations like this, I always say and think that you should choose the decision that you think you'll regret the least. What might I regret? I have two  fears at the moment. They are, to leave too early and end up wanting to return, and the other is leaving too late and consequently tainting and ruining my experience in Korea.

While writing this post I've realised something. The reason why thinking about of all of the 'practical' arguments doesn't help is because that's not what's making the decision hard. What I need to work out is whether I'm ready to give up this life. If I'll be satisfied with giving all of this up now to work from the bottom to achieve this lifestyle again in the future. Or should I hold onto it a little longer?

After I leave, it'll be possible to return to Korea again. But it'll still be a risk. I can't guarantee where I'd be placed; location or school. Currently I'm really lucky because I love my school (my students, other teachers and all) and I'm in a great location. I'm in the third biggest city in Korea, Incheon. It's next to the capital, Seoul, and my apartment's in an area that's not busy but not rural either, and I'm by the bus and subway transits so I can visit the city centre as well as other cities so I can see my friends and visit places with them too. There's no way I can guarantee that I'll be this lucky again.

Decisions, decisions ... It's going to take a lot more time and a lot more thinking before I can decide. Sometimes, don't you wish that life was simpler? Having options is nice, but if there could just be two decisions, where one's obviously the wrong answer and the other is definitely the right choice ... that would be perfect!

In Conclusion ...

Let's face it, we've all had moments like this hundreds of times:

and this:

Life's hard, I'm not going to lie. And it doesn't get any easier, but it doesn't mean we should give up at the first hurdle. 

Lately, I've been talking a lot with my friends here about our current lives and what's the next step after Korea. And I've said something that I want to voice on here, because although I wouldn't call it great advice, I do think it's something some people need to hear and think about. It might prove to be helpful. It might also be something some people need to hear although it's not something everyone wants to hear.

Although we (my friends and I that are working and travelling abroad) are doing something exciting and amazing, it's only a short and temporary thing. It's not something we can do for a long time. We need to get back to reality; to our real lives. Unless we are willing to move from job to job, from country to country, and to never properly settle down. I'd be hard to find a partner and ever start a family (if that's what you want to do). I don't particularly want the whole marriage and kids thing, definitely not anytime soon at least, but I would like some stability; a stable job and life.

The fears that we have of returning home, having to go back to no job, probably living with our parents again, and losing some (probably most) of our independence that we've gained while living alone abroad. These are all fears that we had when we left university. Although we're working, we haven't skipped this part. We still have to face it. We still need to transition from graduate life to finding and building a career path for ourselves. It's just something we have to go through. It'll be hard and frustrating, and we'll want to give up a lot, but it is something that everyone has to go through whether your ambitious or just want a simple lifestyle with any job that will get you money.

It's all part of growing up. We have to start from the bottom and slowly build the life we want. You can't skip it. It's depressing, but welcome to the real world.

It may seem harsh and negative but you could also see it as a 'necesary evil', so to speak. It's something we can't avoid and we have to go through the hardships in order to build a life that we are happy and proud of and can call our own. For me, knowing that I've built my life from the ground up is something I can't wait for. To make happy moments and to work hard for everything I have is something I really want. It'll make me proud and even happier. It'll be my best accomplishment. Admittedly, it'll be hard and a long process, but I genuinely think it'll be worth it.

So basically, what I want people to know and realise is that we all have to go through stages in our lives to live and grow as a person. We all live different lives, are from different backgrounds, have different dreams etc... But there are stages that we all have to go through. They're stages that help us grow; in maturity, independence and develop ourselves as people. I'm not trying to be spiritual or deep and meaningful. For the people that know me, you know I'm not like that. I'm just trying to lay out the facts.

Our childhood is important because it gives us a foundation, and whilst it's very important as our starting point, it isn't the only key stage in our lives. It doesn't have to define us. Yes, it's an influential time, but there are many parts in our lives that shape us and test us. And some of those stages are our choice. And how we go through and deal with those stages are a mix of our choice and outside influences. So take charge of what you can. Take the initiative and make YOUR life the way YOU want it. Don't run away from it, because you're more than likely going to fail. Just do it and do what you can. As my parents have always said to me, "Do your best. Nobody can ask for more. You do what's within your capability and that's all you can do."

Like our childhood, there are stages in our life where we have to start from scratch or given a foundation to work from and build up. You can't escape from it. So when you're ready, just turn around and face it and take your time. If you're going to have to go through it, why not do it the way you want? It's your time, your energy and YOUR life.

Life After Graduating

I don't know much about life after graduating. I haven't been a graduate for long, but I will share what little I know and what I've experienced so far.

Unfortunately, with the current economic and employment situation AND being one of many new graduates, it's very difficult and unrealistic to get a job soon after graduating. Although my friends knew this too, many of them got/are very frustrated and down because they're back at home and are having a hard time finding a job.

One of the advantages of me being so detached and realistic is that I had already mentally prepared myself for graduate life. I knew and didn't expect to get a job (definitely not a graduate level job) anytime soon after graduating, and I knew it would take more than a year to work out what the next step in my life would be; career route, where to live and settle down etc... 

I caught up with one of my friends when I visited England recently. She's a couple of years younger and has just graduated university. Everything she was telling me is exactly what I felt and what some of my friends are still feeling. She said "I knew it would be difficult, but I never thought it would be this hard!"

I know everyone gets told "Don't worry, hundreds of us are in the same boat." and "You'll find something. Something's bound to come along." But let's face it, knowing there's loads of people going through the same thing doesn't really help. Especially when you hear about people getting new jobs or moving out of home or getting a house etc... It's hard. Life is hard. 

It's hard being stuck at home. There's only so much you can do to preoccupy yourself. Especially when all you have is your student loan debt, possibly an overdraft and/or a credit card debt (depending on how good you are with your finances) and whatever little money you've managed to save. With hardly any money, your family at work or school, and your friends scattered around the country, there's only so much day-time television, reading, housework, filling in job applications, walking around and shopping you can do every day every month for God knows how long.

Even as I'm writing this, I can't say I'm feeling eager to go back home because this will be what I'll be returning to. Although I'm working abroad now it's only temporary. It's amazing and I love my job but it's a mix of experience, fun, saving money and sticking my head in the sand. I know I need to go back home and resume my life where I left off so that I can sort my life out and live the kind of life that I want. It's going to be hard.

One thing that's annoying all of us (the unemployed) is this key issue with getting a job at the moment: 

This simple picture summarises one of the biggest problems at the moment.

Degrees are taking a backseat whilst experience has stepped into the spotlight. As the competition for vacancies as well as the number of graduates are rising, it's becoming more and more difficult to get a job. Employers don't care about your degree as much as before since most people have one. So what matters now is how much experience you have. It's hard even for those with experience to get jobs, let alone young people who've just come out of university.

I have older siblings and friends, and I've seen how difficult and rare it is to actually know or to do your dream job. Some may regard this as being pessimistic, I don't. It's simply one of those things in life that should help you to acknowledge what you have and to make you appreciate things more.

I've managed to do something I never actually planned or thought I'd actually be doing. Somehow I'm in Korea teaching English at a boys middle school and absolutely loving it. I genuinely never thought I'd love it half as much as I do. I planned to do one year for experience (travelling and work experience) and to save money. But in actual fact, I'm now doing a second year and am still in love with my job. For me, this is amazing and special for so many reasons.

1. It's a big deal for me to be genuinely happy. I've explained my ups and downs in past posts. I've always been content with my life, but that's as far as it's ever gotten. Obviously I've experience happiness, but it's an emotion that comes and goes. I've been happy; hanging with friends, seeing family and so on ... But I've never been happy with my life. Right now, I am happy and I love my life. I love my job, I love being financially independent, I love being generally independent, I love Korea and I'm loving life.

2. I never expected to love teaching or Korea half as much as I do. I wanted to teach from the beginning but I expected more hardships and stress. Especially teaching in a foreign country. Instead, it's given me the motivation to find a job that I love and really want to do. I now know it's possible to find a job you love that can make you smile and give you financial stability at the same time. It's nice knowing both are attainable in one job without having to choose one over the other.

3. It's also given me hope. A little boost that I can actually be happy and live the way that I've always dreamt of but never truly believed it would be anything other than something in my imagination.

As much as I love my new life, I know it's not a life I will pursue; it's purely a short-term way of living for me at the moment. No matter which way I think about it, I can't see myself living and settling down here. While the people are lovely and super friendly, I can't help but miss my oldest and best-est friends and family. I've adjusted to my new life fine, but I wouldn't choose to live here. Only because, in my mind, Korea will be nothing more than a mini-adventure. It's been amazing and it still is, but there's no way for it to be anything more. I know if I stay here any longer then it will start to taint the amazing memories that I've made here, and I don't want that. I think I've gotten all I can out of this experience and it's nearly time to go back home and find my dream job.

So whilst this has been a small chapter in my life; it's been amazing, thrilling, adventurous and insightful all at the same time. I suppose, in a sense, it's been like a world-wind romance. It's swept me off my feet, revealed a new, different and exciting side to myself, and it's been short and sweet. To cling onto it would just be forcing something that was always meant to be short into something longer; ruining it all.

Mini Vacation: What Hong Kong meant to me

A well-earned and well-needed mini-vacation! ^^

We've all had those super busy periods in our lives where we're constantly doing something everyday and know that we're really busy but don't really notice just how much we've been doing and how little we've been resting until we actually stop. I've just experienced this. Work's been manic with extra work, extra classes, an extra school to work at, and the hot, humid weather has given me extra lazy, unmotivated students to teach. And with exams approaching, classes have been extra tiring. Trying to cram as much revision as possible and motivating students is a lot harder than it sounds. I've also had to juggle my social life with birthdays, special occasions, the gym and trying to sleep at some point, too. I love having a busy life-style, but I have a bad habit of driving myself into the ground and neglecting my health sometimes.

Like a lot of people, I'm guilty of knowing that resting is important but don't do it enough. Sometimes I push myself too hard and make myself ill. I've been really ill recently; the worst I've been since being in Korea (I've been here for 13 months now). Luckily, unlike some people, I have a pretty good immune system. Even when I get ill, I've never gotten ill to the extent that I'm bed ridden or incapable of carrying on with my normal routine. I tend to just work through my illness and keep going. People say it's not healthy, but it's always worked for me, and I'm the type of person who usually sticks to what I know unless needed to change. I find getting on with it and being pro-active is a lot better than laying around in my own misery. Staying at home doing nothing usually just makes me feel worse and makes the illness seem like it's getting worse when it probably isn't.

Despite being ill, I've recently visited Hong Kong for a weekend to see 2 old friends that both happened to be visiting Hong Kong at the same time. This is very unlike me. I'm not a very well-traveled person because while I've always had an interest in learning I've never been very interested in travelling; however, this has recently changed. I'm not a very exciting, spontaneous or adventurous person, I now find myself in Korea and travelling Asia. I've been a lot more adventurous (by my standards at least) and have been travelling and doing a lot more things independently than previously.

It was amazing to see old friends and to eat food that reminded me of home and family. It was amazingly and comfortingly familiar. I'm no longer homesick, but it was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits after a mind-grueling and exhausting couple of months.

My friends were awesome. They took really good care of me. I stayed at my friend's family apartment for free, they helped me arrange things, kept checking on me, jammed as much tourist things that they knew I'd like into a day, introduced me to new friends, paid for things for me etc... They're not 2 of my oldest friends for nothing. They're amazing girls and I wouldn't keep them in my life if they weren't good friends or good people.

This was my first time to go to Hong Kong despite my family originating from there. I've never had a reason or opportunity to go as all of my family and friends have always lived in England. But of course, my siblings and I have always wanted to visit. We're not very attached to our Chinese heritage but it's hard to not have some curiosity or some lingering attachment to our roots. So I'm really glad that I've finally visited Hong Kong, even if it was only for a weekend.

I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt strangely at home in Hong Kong. Maybe because of my roots, maybe because of my 2 friends, maybe because of the familiar Asian culture. I'm not really sure. But it was really uplifting for me to feel so free, happy and comfortable. I love Korea; I love my job and new life, but there was something about Hong Kong that completely clicked.

I don't want to jinx anything or get ahead of myself, but while I'm writing this and reflecting on my trip, all I can think is how perfect Hong Kong was to/for me. I didn't think it was especially exciting or special (partly because I didn't stay for very long). But for me personally, it was exactly like what I've been saying what I want; the best of both worlds; my life in Korea merged with my life in England.

As much as I love Korea, I sometimes get homesick purely because of people. I miss people from home and I haven't met many people here that I click with as well as I do with my English friends. In England it's very easy for me to make friends, and it's the same case in Korea, but it's hard to maintain friendships with Koreans because they're always so busy. The Korean hardworking culture means my friends are always commuting far and working ridiculously long hours; making it really hard to see them on a regular basis. I have my group of western friends, but although they're amazing, it's strangely harder to click with westerners than Koreans here (so I've found at least). This makes me miss home and British people sometimes. Sometimes you just want friends that are there without having to arrange to see them in advance. And sometimes we want/need friends that know you well enough that when you seek advice or want to simply converse, you don't have to explain everything about yourself and your past. So sometimes I long for those friends and situations which I have back at home.

I've coped with homesickness fine. I'm somewhat strong and understand that being on the other side of the world to my home country, friends and family is going to lead to some homesickness. However, one of the amazing things about Hong Kong was that I was able to click and gel with people exactly as I always do with people in England. Conversations came naturally and from the word "Hello" I became best friends with complete strangers. This social aspect of Hong Kong was exhilarating and has made me happy. Korea has taught me how important good company is. It's also taught me that I am able to find and do a job that I enjoy, and how amazing it is to do it. I dare say, I might be able to find both good company and a good, enjoyable job in Hong Kong. I'm not sure what the future holds, but working in Hong Kong is a definite possibility.