Decisions, decisions ...

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote 'Finding The Right Career Path' on my other blog 'Thinking Things Through'. I wrote about the different ways I've tried to find and choose the right career for me, and how and why my way of thinking changed over time. It's not hard to find or choose the right job for you. I know it'll take time and I'll have to do various jobs I won't like, but I'll have to in order to discover what job(s) suits me.

At the moment, I'm having a hard time deciding what to do next year. I'm not sure whether to enjoy life in Korea for one more year or to return to England and get back on track. The first one sounds more fun, while the latter is much more sensible. But we don't always want the sensible thing do we? And we definitely don't want to be sensible all of the time. A bit of fun and 'you-time' is desirable, but that can't be the case forever either.

My original decision to come here for just one year has already changed once. I renewed my contract before and now I've been here for a year and a half. I decided to stay another year because I was happy here, and I weighed out my options. Staying for one more year and returning home after saving more money, experiencing more of Korea and Asia, doing a job I love, and seeing my new friends more before having to say goodbye was definitely the best decision. I thought so a year ago and I still think so. However, those same reasons don't really apply now. So, to say the same things now feels more like excuses rather than real reasons.

My friends and colleagues in Korea said I should stay another year. My family and friends at home have said if I'm happy then I should stay another year. I am happy, but for some reason I'm still hesitating. I don't feel. Last year, I was really sure that I wanted to stay another year and it was the best thing to do, for me. This time, however, I'm completely torn. I have no idea what is the best decision.

My mind keeps going back and forth between the following arguments.

1. Everyone keeps mentioning money. My salary will go up if I renew again and I will have more time to save. Money's never been that important to me.  I think of it to be more practical than a necessity. So, for me, this is just a bonus, not a reason to stay.
2. I love it here. I have friends, a job I love with colleagues I like with a steady income and I can live comfortably. I can afford to do all of the things I want to do (within reason, obviously). I've not had to worry about my finances since being here. I've always been good with money so I've steadily been saving. I live pretty well here. I know I won't be able to live like this back at home. Not straightaway.
3. I'm not only comfortable but I'm happy. As I've mentioned before, being genuinely happy with my life is a pretty big deal for me. It's probably the first time that I've been happy with my life as a whole.
4. However, I feel an obligation to go home and see my family and friends. Especially after my mum told me "We feel like we're losing you." This makes me feel bad, but I have to admit, it's a pretty silly thing to say. I don't deny that they might feel like that, but I do doubt that it's that big of a deal. It's not like their lives have stopped because of me. They're still happy and carrying on with their lives. I know it's mostly just my mum being motherly and protective and a bit clingy.
5. It would be practical to go home and work out what I want to do with my life. I've been eager to find a proper job for a while. I've been thinking, I don't care if I still haven't got a good job or husband and family by the time I'm 30, but I don't want to turn 30 and still not have tried to do anything with my life. I don't want to keep procrastinating and delaying the inevitable; I need to try to do something with my life; try to be happy; try and not regret doing nothing. As my sister put it, "Just remember, you're not getting any younger."
6. I'm not sure how long I want to live here, but I've always known I'd never settle down here. I've gone from doing a year, to wanting to stay longer and now considering staying even longer ... Is there much point in staying longer and longer when I know I'll never move here permanently? People say I'm thinking too much about the future and I'm young. Which is true. I just don't want to waste years of my life when I know it's a waste. If I work hard at something and it ends up being futile or useless, fine. But to put in energy and time on something you know won't amount to anything, anything worthwhile or lasting, what's the point? I can spend more time with friends but I can't do much more to further my career or get much more out of this experience to be honest. I've already gotten everything I could have hoped for out of it.
7. Mostly, I feel sentimental attachments here. I've been told that's a good enough reason and not to dismiss the importance of sentiment. The problem is, as I've written before in other posts, that's not the type of person I am and for me it seems like an odd reason to stay. It's not unimportant, but I'd never choose something solely based on sentiment. Not something as big as this, at least.

I don't think there's necessarily a right answer. Unfortunately there's not always a right answer. Life isn't that black and white. It'll always depend on circumstances, and you'll never know what will be the effects; short term or long term. So, from hindsight it might be easier to say what was the right choice, but even then you can't guarantee what impact or outcomes that decision would have led to either.

With situations like this, I always say and think that you should choose the decision that you think you'll regret the least. What might I regret? I have two  fears at the moment. They are, to leave too early and end up wanting to return, and the other is leaving too late and consequently tainting and ruining my experience in Korea.

While writing this post I've realised something. The reason why thinking about of all of the 'practical' arguments doesn't help is because that's not what's making the decision hard. What I need to work out is whether I'm ready to give up this life. If I'll be satisfied with giving all of this up now to work from the bottom to achieve this lifestyle again in the future. Or should I hold onto it a little longer?

After I leave, it'll be possible to return to Korea again. But it'll still be a risk. I can't guarantee where I'd be placed; location or school. Currently I'm really lucky because I love my school (my students, other teachers and all) and I'm in a great location. I'm in the third biggest city in Korea, Incheon. It's next to the capital, Seoul, and my apartment's in an area that's not busy but not rural either, and I'm by the bus and subway transits so I can visit the city centre as well as other cities so I can see my friends and visit places with them too. There's no way I can guarantee that I'll be this lucky again.

Decisions, decisions ... It's going to take a lot more time and a lot more thinking before I can decide. Sometimes, don't you wish that life was simpler? Having options is nice, but if there could just be two decisions, where one's obviously the wrong answer and the other is definitely the right choice ... that would be perfect!