Love-phobia: Trust Issues, Love Issues, Issues

This post is linked to my previous post "When you like someone"  in my other blog "Thinking Things Through". 


It's a bit cliché but I can't help it. I have massive issues when it comes to guys and relationships. 

Apparently this is how I react to affection ... and boys.

Don't get me wrong. I'm like the male character.

A little dramatic, but you get the idea...
 ... I runaway ... 

I have quite a few issues when it comes to relationships. I have trust issues and I'm a bit uptight. Especially when it comes to my emotions. I'm that cliché person. The one that's like that character from that movie. You know, the one that finds it hard to let people in and all that jazz. Because of this, I have a lot of people predicting that I'll end up in some kind of crazy whirlwind romance where I'll get married spontaneously and have a million babies and live happily ever after ... God forbid! That would be horrendous! Sure I would like to be in love, me loving him and him loving me back, but I definitely don't wish for a movie-like love life. That's something I really don't want. I don't like romantic films or books, let alone living one. It's just not my thing.

What's my problem? Where to begin? Well, I don't really think I have a 'problem' as such. Some people think I do. There are just a lot of things about guys, people, relationships and myself that scare and worry me. Which is quite natural, right? I just let these things get to me more than some people. But these are not the sole reasons for me never having a boyfriend. I do choose to be single. As I've written before, I don't wish to get in a relationship with just any guy or for no good reason. That's just not how I am.

So, the next question of course is, why do I have these 'issues'. Well, as I've said before, I've had some bad 'friends' in the past and I'm sure there are many more to come. They are partly why I have trust issues. It's negative and blunt, but it's a sad fact that people screw other people over all of the time. Random people and so-called friends, and even possibly family will try to screw you over. I've met and known a lot of horrible people in my life, and they don't give me much hope for humanity or society. I don't believe they're all bad at heart, but they certainly don't make the world a better place.

I've always been a really open person. I've always talked about myself and my life quite openly. I think maybe that's why I've always been naturally quite good with people. However, now I find it hard to actually get properly close with someone. I've regretted getting close with my ex-friends and now I find myself quite detached with people. I'm still open, but in a more robotic way. I don't mind talking about experiences, opinions and so forth, but I don't let people in.

I don't have many close friends that I trust and would rely on. I mostly have 'acquaintances', some friends and only 4 real close friends in the whole world. Which is more than enough for me. I love my close friends to bits and I appreciate them wholeheartedly. And that's because I know how hard it is to find real friends like them. We're on the same wavelength. Not necessarily have the same opinions or anything, we just understand each other and treat each other with the same respect. We're on the same page, so to speak. With my other friends it's mostly them opening up and talking. I don't really talk about personal matters; only listen to theirs and talk about general crap to be honest. So I'm pretty sure finding a boyfriend of the same standard as my close friends (trusting, loyal and reliable) is going to be a mission and a half, to say the least.

The other reason why I have issues with boys and relationships is because while I haven't ever had a boyfriend, I've seen and watched people go in and out of relationships. I've known people who have been hurt and those who have been causing the pain. I've discussed this with my friends before and it's kind of scary. We all know people who are nice and that make good friends but make horrible horrible partners. As a friend, they treat you really nicely but they treat their partners like shit. And there are also people who are naturally two-faced and manipulative. They mess with your heads, twist everything their way and make it always seem like they're the victim somehow. There's also the people who just out-rightly don't give a shit about their partners. They don't play the game 'treat them mean and keep them keen'. They're just arseholes acting like arseholes (excuse my French). And of course, we also know people who are just outright players. That just want to score and have sex. Whether if that's with you or the next person that walks by. And that will happily date more than one person at the same time. Of course there are lovely people, but they're usually taken, not interested or you're not interested. They're so nice that of course they're not single. Or they're happily single and just happily doing their own thing. Or they're lovely and you want to be friends with them and hope that they meet someone special that'll treat them nicely because they're so lovely that you can't help but want them to find happiness. Yet for some reason, you don't want to be that person.... This is one of those annoying things about life; it just can't be simple can it?

I think this is a weird issue. I'm quite weird. Basically, I get annoyed when I like someone.... Yeah weird, I know. I said that. Why do I get annoyed when I like someone? Because I'm generally an independent person that just does my own thing and just does what needs to be done. But when I like someone I turn into a complete girl! I get shy and I end up saying loads of stupid things and all of my thoughts start to revolve around that person. This is typical girl behaviour, but the thing is, I'm not a typical girl. I'm not very girlie. Like I said, I'm detached with my emotions and I'm generally quite logical. So being out of character just because I like someone terrify me. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel irrational. It's scary and thrilling all at the same time, and I like but hate the person at the same time. And all of my insecurities seem to be amplified. It sounds over-dramatic, but I feel like I can't trust myself. My reasoning goes out of the window and how the person responds to me or my feelings feels like they'll make or break me. This is why I feel vulnerable. And this is why I smile but then automatically hate myself for smiling when I think about him. I don't want to be defined by someone else and I don't like feeling dependent on another person.

My last issue is simply this. I'll admit, hands down, that I'm not ready nor am I willing to be in a relationship right now because I want to concentrate on me and work out my life. I know I could work on me and be in a relationship. But if I was to be in a relationship, hypothetically speaking, I would want to commit to that person, compromise with him and be a good girlfriend. Like, making and spending time with him. Travelling to see him, travelling somewhere together, take an interest in his interests etc... I'd do things less or more for the sake of him. If you're not willing to work at it, compromise and take the other person into consideration, then why be in a relationship? I don't have the time or perspective to do all of that for someone at the moment. I don't want to have to think about another person other than me right now. In time I will, but not right now. It sounds selfish, but I can't help but want to sort out my life first before having to consider another and incorporate him into my life.