Uncertainty, Low Self-Esteem and Negativity

Please don't interpret this post as I hated my life or suffered from mental problems. This is just a very open piece and I think a lot of people know what it's like to be misunderstood, feel lost and hide their true thoughts and feelings from the people around them. I just want to write very true, genuinely meaningful pieces of work, and develop my writing skills in expressing and describing myself.

Teenage years are quite troublesome for most people in many ways. Definitely for girls, I’m not sure about boys; it’s a very odd time. Many things change and happen at this time.

It was at this age that I really changed. I had many self doubts and hid myself behind a happy, loud exterior. I tried to please people, I also tried to open up to people about my thoughts but was usually labeled as 'depressive' and an 'emo'. So I gradually closed myself off from people and pretended that everything was fine and normal. When in reality I began to think a lot of negative things and thought everything was wrong with me; mentally and physically. I compared, and still do to an extent, to everybody else. I absorbed myself in books, television and homework to stop myself thinking so much, and because studying seemed to be the only thing I was good at. I could live in my own world and it was the main way I could not think so much. I was worrisome and cried a lot in my bedroom; where nobody could see me.

Making friends was easy for me, but making good friends was hard. I think most people, especially adults, will agree that it's hard to find a good, genuine, life-long friend. I tried to be the kind of person I thought everyone would like; essentially a people pleasing push-over. But this didn't really work. With the way children are, I was still bullied somewhat. And as good friends are hard to find, I had many friends that were more like acquaintances. They didn't know me well and I didn't confide in them because of how people had always reacted towards my thoughts. I think there are several reasons for this though. One, I found it hard to express myself and properly explain how I felt, so it always came out awkwardly whenever I tried to talk about my thoughts. And secondly, it's part of growing up. It's hard to truly understand each other, especially when you haven't even grown into your own person yet. But I now have amazing friends from all over the world that I can talk to about almost everything and anything. Growing up has made me believe that you will only discover your true friends in time. It takes time to see if people will stick by you and if you can grow together and stay on the same wavelength.

However, I didn't know this yet. I was a moody and negative child. I became sick of the vicious circle of being upset, then angry at my negative thoughts which made me more upset. I knew it wasn't healthy but I felt all I could do was to push forward and keep hiding behind my 'normality' cover-up. I wore plain, non-clingy clothes and didn't wear make-up. This was to not stand-out, and because I thought I was ugly whatever I did, and also to seem like I didn't care how I looked. Which was true to a certain degree; I think everybody cares how they look and are perceived by people or certain person/people.

I hated being constantly told I was 'stick thin', 'soo skinny' and 'anorexic looking'. I took offence and really hated getting attention for it. I perceive(d) looking that thin as looking unhealthy and on the verge of starvation. I was a very picky eater with a small stomach, but I enjoyed baking. So I forced myself to eat bigger portions, snack more and even baked apple pies and other desserts to have every day with cream or ice cream as an attempt to gain weight. However, nothing changed. I have a high metabolism, which I know most people want, but I don't like the attention I get for my petite frame. I think I have other features and characteristics that are more worthy of being complimented on, rather than getting negative compliments about my weight and people complaining they wished they were my size. I'm sorry, it's not my fault that I'm this slim.

It's obvious that I genuinely thought quite lowly of myself. I knew there was nothing special about me, I didn't excel in anything, and I carried every negative comment and action made towards me. However, I was aware that I took things to heart more than I should have and most people never had any bad intentions per say; it was how I interpreted and magnified things out of proportion. I knew people, definitely guys, didn't think much of me. And whilst I maintained my happy dappy persona, I honestly didn't think people would miss me if I was gone. I think a lot of people feel like this at some point and it's usually interpreted in a dramatic way. I didn't want to kill myself, I just felt like I didn't contribute anything to the world and I was like a ghost; my existence didn't matter.

I could go into this in a lot more depth and I will if people want to read more, but that isn't the point to this post. I think what I've explained applies to many people and in fact it's this negativity that made me change for the better. It helped me grow up. I knew that I could have had a worse life. As I wrote in my previous post, my parents taught me to appreciate what I have and I did. I was never severely bullied nor did I have any significantly bad experiences. So I changed my negativity into realism and acceptance. I tried hard to change myself and I realised I couldn't do anymore than I had already done. I couldn't put on noticeable weight and everything else I didn't like about myself was either unchangeable or required surgery. I would never ever get surgery because I personally couldn't put my body through that trauma and I have phobias that makes me afraid of ever under-going surgery. Therefore, I logically thought there was nothing more in my capability except for getting myself out of my depressive thinking by trying to do what was in my capability to achieve happiness. I learnt to accept myself. This doesn't mean I'm confident, but I realised I could only accept myself or loath myself and stay miserable. So I kept throwing myself in the deep end and pushed myself to grow more confident and pursue what I enjoyed or thought I'd benefit from. It's this attitude that has got me to Korea and it's by far the best thing I've ever done. I want(ed) to be successful and happy, and to find something that I could do better than others. This attitude of course wasn't/isn't flawless. I still falter and life makes you want to give up sometimes. And I was still very young. So the next hurdle that tested me and my new attitude to life was in my late teens; Sixth Form. This will be discussed in my next post. Until then, take care and feel free to leave comments.