Growth spurt or stunted?

When you look at yourself, can you tell how much you've grown? Really look and analyse yourself as a whole; as a person. How have you developed, improved, gotten stronger? What weaknesses are still there? Which have disappeared? Which are new?

Are you still growing 

or have you hit a brick wall 

and find it hard to grow some more?

We all physically stop growing taller after we're 'adults'. (I use inverted commas because I don't believe you can classify someone as an adult by age; only through their mental maturity). But our bodies still grow and change after we stop growing taller, as does our personalities and our way of thinking. The way we think and behave is always changing. That we can't stop.

We're always growing and changing. I think I've become a better person, mostly. Maybe ... In some ways more than others at least. The bits that aren't that great will change and grow as I grow older though, so it's OK.

It's strange because when I analysed myself I noticed something for the first time. In the last couple of years, I've definitely grown into my own person. Again, whether that's a good thing or not, I'm not sure. I've gotten a better grasp of what my strengths, weaknesses and limits are, but I'm still unsure about a lot of things, like what I want to do with my life. I think during the last couple of years I've become more confident, but my self-esteem is still quite low. So I've somehow managed to become confident but still have a low self-esteem... Is that possible? You always imagine confidence and having a good self-esteem hand-in-hand right? Maybe it's because I know my strengths, weaknesses and limits. So I'm confident in my strengths and my capabilities. I'm also confident in doing things within my limits. But I know that I've never shaken off the harsh judgments I've always made about myself since I was young. My limits and weaknesses are a big flaw to me. We all have flaws, I know. But no judge is harsher on you than yourself, right? I can't help it. I've accepted my flaws, but that also means I'm well aware of what they are and their existence.

What am I good at? Honestly, I'm a huge contradiction. I've always been a bit socially awkward and yet I'm really good with people. I find it easy to talk and interact, and people have always said I'm really friendly and approachable. People have always felt comfortable around me.

At university I discovered that I naturally mirror people. This is a good communication skill to have. I learnt that mirroring people's body language is a good way to help people feel relaxed and comfortable around you. It's like their subconscious picks up on it and thinks you're on the same wavelength and that you're similar people. I mirror people automatically. I've always reacted to people. I change according to people and always have. I think I did it when I was young to try to fit in. I always felt out of place so I naturally began to mirror other people to feel socially accepted; by my older siblings, adults and school mates.

I wouldn't say I've changed much since when I was young. I'm pretty much the same. I've just grown into my own person. I'm more comfortable with who I am and I accept who I am. I know what works for me and what doesn't, but I still have a long way to go to be more like how I want to be. I still have a lot of weaknesses and flaws that I want to work on. I don't have any natural abilities.

I'm not naturally good at sports, not naturally clever, I can't do anything musically related (I like singing and dancing, but I'm not good at it) and I don't have any special abilities. But this doesn't stop me working hard.

I firmly believe that if I'm going to do something then I'm going to do it to the best of my ability so that I don't regret working harder. I'll know that I've done everything within my capability. Even if I don't get the result I want, I'm happy knowing that I did what I could. I can't regret something I can't change.

I think that's it. I think that's how I've grown. Although I have no natural abilities or skills, I do try and work really damn hard. And I know that I work hard. I work harder than a lot of other English teachers here. I've always been the one that goes O.T.T. with my projects and studies. I'm really O.C.D and I have to do everything precisely and thoroughly so that I know what's what and what's not. So for me, it doesn't matter that I don't excel in anything. I still work hard and I love working hard. That's enough for me. Do what I can and the best that I can. I can't do any more and I don't want to do any less.

Growing is important and necessary, but it doesn't have to happen constantly. Like I've said in previous posts, I only went through three turning points in my life; early and late teens, and recently. Except for these times, I have pretty much stayed the same. And actually, before now I hadn't changed that dramatically. It was all fairly gradual and natural. Because that's the thing, growing is natural. So even if you're not changing much now, it's fine. You'll always be growing. A little or a lot, it doesn't matter. Just remember that you are constantly growing, and you will continue to grow and change. It's not something you need or have to force. Just let it be.

Focus more on the progress you made. You've definitely progressed. So keep that in mind.

So, how about you? How much have you grown? Are you going through a growth spurt or are you 'stunted' and slowly growing at the moment?

Escape from the world

There are always times where you just want to run away from everything. There's been plenty of times where I've wanted to just curl up and just sleep. Not out of laziness. Well, not always out of laziness. Just as a means of escape.

Reality can be hard to deal with sometimes. It's hard to escape reality though. So that's why there are always those days where you do nothing or just procrastinate. Sometimes it's because it's a coping mechanism. Sometimes it's just what we revert back to in order to maintain our sanity. Sometimes it's out of habit or laziness. And of course, there are other reasons.

It's strange because I'm pretty diverse and I can handle almost anything thrown at me when put to the test, and I love working hard (like I said, it's strange ... I'm strange). But I also love being lazy. My bed is actually my happy place. Or, as my sister puts it, as long as I have a pillow I'm pretty happy. (I'm actually in love with pillows). My sister does joke that I have a look of love when I'm cuddling a pillow; it's like it's my boyfriend or something. Who needs a man when you have a pillow huh?

(Bed sweet bed <3).

Sometimes just being warm and comfortable, left alone to think or not think is pretty nice. 

They say ignorance is bliss. I agree with this to an extent. Ignorance can also be harmful. But when it's blissful, it's really nice. I think that's why I like aimless thinking, daydreaming and getting lost in things. It's a great way to escape from the world.

We all like to escape from the world. Why do you think we all have hobbies and daydream? I get lost in a lot of different things. In music, dancing, drawing, reading, watching anime and when I rest my head. I always revert back into a bubble which I've maintained since I was young. I think it's partially because my mind wants to escape, and it's partially just a habit. I've always lived in my own little world.

 Sometimes you just don't want to think about things though. The more you think about it, the more you get annoyed or upset. This is how I'm feeling right now. People are annoying me. A LOT!

People are really grating on me at the moment. Especially random people making stupid comments on Facebook. So my way of escaping at the moment is by deactivating my Facebook account. I've never done it before. I've known people to do it to be more productive. But my reason is purely that I'm seeing a lot of things that just irritates me. People can be unbelievably annoying. I know everyone can be annoying, including myself, but right now, it's everyone else that's annoying me with their stupid comments and statuses. I regularly go on Facebook. You know, like a lot of people, automatically going on for no particular reason. So it's hard for me to not read the annoying comments. I can easily ignore and not comment back to people. Although I think bad things (I'm only human), I'm not one of those people that will voice my opinion regardless of the other person. So yeah, I ignore people and bite my tongue regularly, but their obnoxious and irritating comments still annoy me!

You know what I mean. Those comments that make you want to break your computer...



Or bang your head against your desk ...

There's been a growing debate about networking sites and how people use them. It's sad. Some people definitely need to control themselves more on them, but I'm not sure what people can do about it. Things like bullying and people being too outspoken has always been an issue. I don't think it can be stopped. It's too hard to control. This is something I want to cover in another post. But for now I'll say this. If people are getting annoyed or upset by some people's comments, sometimes retaliating will just fuel the fire and it's better to just cut yourself off from those people. You may not have done anything wrong, but if it's getting to you then just cut yourself off. Either by ignoring it, blocking people or deactivating your account for a bit. You're not running away, you're not being a coward, you're just escaping from all of the crap you don't have to deal with. There's nothing wrong with that. Like I've said, people have to escape from things; whatever it is and for whatever reasons. There's nothing wrong with escaping from people or the world. It's something everyone does and needs to do from time to time.

Do whatever you need for you. As long as it's not hurting anybody else, then there shouldn't be a problem. It's reasonable. Everybody needs to escape sometimes.

Decisions, decisions ...

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote 'Finding The Right Career Path' on my other blog 'Thinking Things Through'. I wrote about the different ways I've tried to find and choose the right career for me, and how and why my way of thinking changed over time. It's not hard to find or choose the right job for you. I know it'll take time and I'll have to do various jobs I won't like, but I'll have to in order to discover what job(s) suits me.

At the moment, I'm having a hard time deciding what to do next year. I'm not sure whether to enjoy life in Korea for one more year or to return to England and get back on track. The first one sounds more fun, while the latter is much more sensible. But we don't always want the sensible thing do we? And we definitely don't want to be sensible all of the time. A bit of fun and 'you-time' is desirable, but that can't be the case forever either.

My original decision to come here for just one year has already changed once. I renewed my contract before and now I've been here for a year and a half. I decided to stay another year because I was happy here, and I weighed out my options. Staying for one more year and returning home after saving more money, experiencing more of Korea and Asia, doing a job I love, and seeing my new friends more before having to say goodbye was definitely the best decision. I thought so a year ago and I still think so. However, those same reasons don't really apply now. So, to say the same things now feels more like excuses rather than real reasons.

My friends and colleagues in Korea said I should stay another year. My family and friends at home have said if I'm happy then I should stay another year. I am happy, but for some reason I'm still hesitating. I don't feel. Last year, I was really sure that I wanted to stay another year and it was the best thing to do, for me. This time, however, I'm completely torn. I have no idea what is the best decision.

My mind keeps going back and forth between the following arguments.

1. Everyone keeps mentioning money. My salary will go up if I renew again and I will have more time to save. Money's never been that important to me.  I think of it to be more practical than a necessity. So, for me, this is just a bonus, not a reason to stay.
2. I love it here. I have friends, a job I love with colleagues I like with a steady income and I can live comfortably. I can afford to do all of the things I want to do (within reason, obviously). I've not had to worry about my finances since being here. I've always been good with money so I've steadily been saving. I live pretty well here. I know I won't be able to live like this back at home. Not straightaway.
3. I'm not only comfortable but I'm happy. As I've mentioned before, being genuinely happy with my life is a pretty big deal for me. It's probably the first time that I've been happy with my life as a whole.
4. However, I feel an obligation to go home and see my family and friends. Especially after my mum told me "We feel like we're losing you." This makes me feel bad, but I have to admit, it's a pretty silly thing to say. I don't deny that they might feel like that, but I do doubt that it's that big of a deal. It's not like their lives have stopped because of me. They're still happy and carrying on with their lives. I know it's mostly just my mum being motherly and protective and a bit clingy.
5. It would be practical to go home and work out what I want to do with my life. I've been eager to find a proper job for a while. I've been thinking, I don't care if I still haven't got a good job or husband and family by the time I'm 30, but I don't want to turn 30 and still not have tried to do anything with my life. I don't want to keep procrastinating and delaying the inevitable; I need to try to do something with my life; try to be happy; try and not regret doing nothing. As my sister put it, "Just remember, you're not getting any younger."
6. I'm not sure how long I want to live here, but I've always known I'd never settle down here. I've gone from doing a year, to wanting to stay longer and now considering staying even longer ... Is there much point in staying longer and longer when I know I'll never move here permanently? People say I'm thinking too much about the future and I'm young. Which is true. I just don't want to waste years of my life when I know it's a waste. If I work hard at something and it ends up being futile or useless, fine. But to put in energy and time on something you know won't amount to anything, anything worthwhile or lasting, what's the point? I can spend more time with friends but I can't do much more to further my career or get much more out of this experience to be honest. I've already gotten everything I could have hoped for out of it.
7. Mostly, I feel sentimental attachments here. I've been told that's a good enough reason and not to dismiss the importance of sentiment. The problem is, as I've written before in other posts, that's not the type of person I am and for me it seems like an odd reason to stay. It's not unimportant, but I'd never choose something solely based on sentiment. Not something as big as this, at least.

I don't think there's necessarily a right answer. Unfortunately there's not always a right answer. Life isn't that black and white. It'll always depend on circumstances, and you'll never know what will be the effects; short term or long term. So, from hindsight it might be easier to say what was the right choice, but even then you can't guarantee what impact or outcomes that decision would have led to either.

With situations like this, I always say and think that you should choose the decision that you think you'll regret the least. What might I regret? I have two  fears at the moment. They are, to leave too early and end up wanting to return, and the other is leaving too late and consequently tainting and ruining my experience in Korea.

While writing this post I've realised something. The reason why thinking about of all of the 'practical' arguments doesn't help is because that's not what's making the decision hard. What I need to work out is whether I'm ready to give up this life. If I'll be satisfied with giving all of this up now to work from the bottom to achieve this lifestyle again in the future. Or should I hold onto it a little longer?

After I leave, it'll be possible to return to Korea again. But it'll still be a risk. I can't guarantee where I'd be placed; location or school. Currently I'm really lucky because I love my school (my students, other teachers and all) and I'm in a great location. I'm in the third biggest city in Korea, Incheon. It's next to the capital, Seoul, and my apartment's in an area that's not busy but not rural either, and I'm by the bus and subway transits so I can visit the city centre as well as other cities so I can see my friends and visit places with them too. There's no way I can guarantee that I'll be this lucky again.

Decisions, decisions ... It's going to take a lot more time and a lot more thinking before I can decide. Sometimes, don't you wish that life was simpler? Having options is nice, but if there could just be two decisions, where one's obviously the wrong answer and the other is definitely the right choice ... that would be perfect!