Uncertainty, Low Self-Esteem and Negativity

Please don't interpret this post as I hated my life or suffered from mental problems. This is just a very open piece and I think a lot of people know what it's like to be misunderstood, feel lost and hide their true thoughts and feelings from the people around them. I just want to write very true, genuinely meaningful pieces of work, and develop my writing skills in expressing and describing myself.

Teenage years are quite troublesome for most people in many ways. Definitely for girls, I’m not sure about boys; it’s a very odd time. Many things change and happen at this time.

It was at this age that I really changed. I had many self doubts and hid myself behind a happy, loud exterior. I tried to please people, I also tried to open up to people about my thoughts but was usually labeled as 'depressive' and an 'emo'. So I gradually closed myself off from people and pretended that everything was fine and normal. When in reality I began to think a lot of negative things and thought everything was wrong with me; mentally and physically. I compared, and still do to an extent, to everybody else. I absorbed myself in books, television and homework to stop myself thinking so much, and because studying seemed to be the only thing I was good at. I could live in my own world and it was the main way I could not think so much. I was worrisome and cried a lot in my bedroom; where nobody could see me.

Making friends was easy for me, but making good friends was hard. I think most people, especially adults, will agree that it's hard to find a good, genuine, life-long friend. I tried to be the kind of person I thought everyone would like; essentially a people pleasing push-over. But this didn't really work. With the way children are, I was still bullied somewhat. And as good friends are hard to find, I had many friends that were more like acquaintances. They didn't know me well and I didn't confide in them because of how people had always reacted towards my thoughts. I think there are several reasons for this though. One, I found it hard to express myself and properly explain how I felt, so it always came out awkwardly whenever I tried to talk about my thoughts. And secondly, it's part of growing up. It's hard to truly understand each other, especially when you haven't even grown into your own person yet. But I now have amazing friends from all over the world that I can talk to about almost everything and anything. Growing up has made me believe that you will only discover your true friends in time. It takes time to see if people will stick by you and if you can grow together and stay on the same wavelength.

However, I didn't know this yet. I was a moody and negative child. I became sick of the vicious circle of being upset, then angry at my negative thoughts which made me more upset. I knew it wasn't healthy but I felt all I could do was to push forward and keep hiding behind my 'normality' cover-up. I wore plain, non-clingy clothes and didn't wear make-up. This was to not stand-out, and because I thought I was ugly whatever I did, and also to seem like I didn't care how I looked. Which was true to a certain degree; I think everybody cares how they look and are perceived by people or certain person/people.

I hated being constantly told I was 'stick thin', 'soo skinny' and 'anorexic looking'. I took offence and really hated getting attention for it. I perceive(d) looking that thin as looking unhealthy and on the verge of starvation. I was a very picky eater with a small stomach, but I enjoyed baking. So I forced myself to eat bigger portions, snack more and even baked apple pies and other desserts to have every day with cream or ice cream as an attempt to gain weight. However, nothing changed. I have a high metabolism, which I know most people want, but I don't like the attention I get for my petite frame. I think I have other features and characteristics that are more worthy of being complimented on, rather than getting negative compliments about my weight and people complaining they wished they were my size. I'm sorry, it's not my fault that I'm this slim.

It's obvious that I genuinely thought quite lowly of myself. I knew there was nothing special about me, I didn't excel in anything, and I carried every negative comment and action made towards me. However, I was aware that I took things to heart more than I should have and most people never had any bad intentions per say; it was how I interpreted and magnified things out of proportion. I knew people, definitely guys, didn't think much of me. And whilst I maintained my happy dappy persona, I honestly didn't think people would miss me if I was gone. I think a lot of people feel like this at some point and it's usually interpreted in a dramatic way. I didn't want to kill myself, I just felt like I didn't contribute anything to the world and I was like a ghost; my existence didn't matter.

I could go into this in a lot more depth and I will if people want to read more, but that isn't the point to this post. I think what I've explained applies to many people and in fact it's this negativity that made me change for the better. It helped me grow up. I knew that I could have had a worse life. As I wrote in my previous post, my parents taught me to appreciate what I have and I did. I was never severely bullied nor did I have any significantly bad experiences. So I changed my negativity into realism and acceptance. I tried hard to change myself and I realised I couldn't do anymore than I had already done. I couldn't put on noticeable weight and everything else I didn't like about myself was either unchangeable or required surgery. I would never ever get surgery because I personally couldn't put my body through that trauma and I have phobias that makes me afraid of ever under-going surgery. Therefore, I logically thought there was nothing more in my capability except for getting myself out of my depressive thinking by trying to do what was in my capability to achieve happiness. I learnt to accept myself. This doesn't mean I'm confident, but I realised I could only accept myself or loath myself and stay miserable. So I kept throwing myself in the deep end and pushed myself to grow more confident and pursue what I enjoyed or thought I'd benefit from. It's this attitude that has got me to Korea and it's by far the best thing I've ever done. I want(ed) to be successful and happy, and to find something that I could do better than others. This attitude of course wasn't/isn't flawless. I still falter and life makes you want to give up sometimes. And I was still very young. So the next hurdle that tested me and my new attitude to life was in my late teens; Sixth Form. This will be discussed in my next post. Until then, take care and feel free to leave comments.

Childhood, ignorance is bliss

I think life can usually be put into set time periods; childhood, teen years (can be separated into early and late teens), university, graduate life and adult life (again can be broken down into various stages such as starting out, married life, parenthood etc...). As I'm young I won't be writing about adult life yet. In each period I believe I went through big, life-defining changes. There were turning points in my life where I went through self-development and they were key to make me into the person I am today. The only exception was my childhood, which this post will cover. I feel that my childhood was a constant and gradual development rather than a distinctive change for me. It was only afterwards that I encountered significant changes.

I think it is fair to say that childhood is the foundation of people's lives. I wouldn't change much about my upbringing as I have no regrets about the person I've become today. There's the only usual regrets of saying and doing things ignorantly or mischievously when I was younger. Usually stupid things. But they're things that are expected from children and everybody does it; young or old. They also become memories we laugh and talk about later with friends and family.

My parents did well in raising me and my three siblings. Some have called me a 'deprived child' but that's a materialistic and dramatic way of looking at it. This opinion depends on how you was raised and says a lot about modern day society. For me, there was nothing wrong with how I was raised. I grew up like a normal child and never went without any necessities. I was spoilt in different ways to others; probably on a smaller scale than some. And I liked my simple life of learning and playing at school, and then doing homework, pursuing hobbies, being lazy and spending time with family at home. Sometimes I still long for those days again.

I was brought up to value my family and education, to treat others like I would like to be treated and appreciate what I had. Unfortunately for my parents I was born with a built in stubborn, simple mind and blunt manner. I wasn't a bad child and I never caused enormous trouble for my parents, but I know I wasn't, like a lot of children, easy to raise. I don't think parenthood is easy and I feel sympathetic towards my parents for having to raise me along with three other children. I'm massively grateful to them for their love, guidance and help throughout my life. I also know it's their responsibility and job as parents to love and raise me no matter what and try to be good parents, but we all know that not everybody does this. So I'm eternally thankful that my mum and dad took parenthood seriously and did the best they could to raise me well.

I had a normal childhood; go to school, play with friends and siblings, do homework and do it all over again the next day. Luckily, I didn't have chores and I could choose my after school activities, and I got some pocket money when I was good or as special treats. I was very naive and ignorant. Looking back though, I'm not sure how much of it was me mentally blocking out reality so I could maintain my little fantasy bubble that I lived in. I have always been intuitive and can take in a lot of information around me, but I have a simple mind so I used to never realise it. I watched the news and read a lot but I never thought about it and let the information click in my head. I understood all of the bad things that happened but never let myself think about it and what it meant. Maybe because I didn't want to acknowledge it, I'm not sure.

Again, like the majority of people, I experienced noticeable changes in high school; physically, mentally and environmentally. This is what I'll cover in my next post. I hope this post gives you a little insight of my life and my personality. Also to help you reflect on your childhood and what makes a good family and happy childhood. These are things that are highlighted every now and then, but like how I was as a child, I don't think many people truly sit down to think about it and acknowledge their importance. I don't think all parents are bad but because it's not an easy job I think we should take it upon ourselves to try to adjust and change in accordance to what's best for the child. And this applies to everybody, not just parents. I think we're all guilty of seeing or hearing something and letting it pass by either because we don't want to acknowledge it or dismiss it as a little thing. But little things can mean a lot to anyone. I was a lucky child and I try my hardest to do what I can for my students. Especially as we know that life does get harder and I want them to appreciate what they have now and be prepared for the future.

Limbo: Not a child but not quite yet an adult

You may have noticed the title is 'Growing Up' and, like said in my previous blog, I'm writing a reflective account with themes and this is the theme for my first chapter of blogs. This theme is exceptionally relevant to me at the moment. I'm still young and I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm an adult but I've still got a lot to learn, a lot to experience and a lot of critical life decisions to still make.

Today's blog contains thoughts prompted by my students' graduation, which was today. It's a bit of a cliché but seeing them reminds me of when I was about their age. I'm still young but it seems like a life-time ago when I was at school and dealing with trivial problems and living a simple, care-free life. I think in retrospect it seems like life was a lot easier and simpler 'back in the day'; which seems to be the general view adults have on childhood. However, when I really think about my life back then I know that I didn't feel like it was easy and simple. When you compare stresses of homework, bickering with friends and family, and other things like 'relationships' to current stresses and worries those past worries do seem trivial. But I don't think that they should be so easily dismissed. Many of us lecture and dismiss the worries of youths and laugh about our past. But hindsight detaches us from our past and we've already learnt from those lessons and experiences. Also, I think even if I went back to do it all again I would still be stressed and feel similar emotions. I think that's one key thing to growing up. It's the experiences and memories that we have that's the essence of growing up, and that's what makes and changes us.

We know that it's our past that shapes us as a person. It's what makes each person unique; our personal experiences, changes and responses. Thousands of people can experience the same thing but people will be impacted by it in different ways and they may make different decisions afterwards. Most of us have the simple and standard childhood of going to school, meeting and making friends, and going to university or college. Some people take different routes. But we all end up in different places with different personalities, different thoughts, different experiences and different paths.

It's easy to look back on life and wish life was simple and easy like that again, and for us to lecture those younger than us, but quite frankly, life's never that simple. It'll always be a mixture of ups and downs, and various emotions and obstacles. Unfortunately there isn't always a definite right answer or choice, but the choice is ours to make. Whilst you can use mottos like 'live life to the fullest', 'you only live once', 'live while you're young' and 'live life with no regret' I think it's all down to you. I'm still very young and I've been given a lot of advice but I've chosen to dismiss a lot of it. I'm teaching in South Korea at the moment and I've been thinking a lot about my future; what career I want to pursue, where I want to live and what's my next step. I've heard a lot of 'Travel while you're young. It's the best time to do it. You'll regret not doing it when you're older.' and 'You're still really young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't worry
about those kinds of things yet. Just enjoy your youth." This may be good advice for some but I've come to realise what my priorities are and being abroad and young is amazing but I also love the idea of working hard at a job that I'm passionate about and to be independent. I want a sophisticated life style where I'm not worried about whether I have enough money for my next bill, and be able to enjoy life's amazing luxuries like driving to see the family for the weekend or meeting friends for coffee and a catch up. That's the life I want.

My only goal in life is to be happy. And at the moment that's what I picture happiness to be and I want to do whatever I can to get that. If I keep travelling rather than trying to pursue this, that will be a massive regret.

I've never been a laid back person that can sit and twiddle my thumbs. Especially when something is going through my head over and over again. I'm the type of person that has to be proactive; to feel like I'm putting my all into tackling the problem at hand. I need to feel like I'm doing everything within my capability or I know I'll regret it later. I do think you should live life with no regrets. It's something I've stood by for a long time. Life is too short. So I believe you should do everything you can to achieve happiness and to have no regrets. That for me is living life to its fullest. There's no reason why we can't all be happy. Do what you can; even if you're not moving forward, at least you know that you can't look back and wish you had tried this or that. If you do everything in your capability then the rest is down to circumstances which is out of your control and logically there's nothing you could have done about it. That's one thing I live off; knowing that I've done everything within reason and I can justify every decision, mistake and action I've ever made.

When reflecting and thinking about life I think happiness is the most important thing. If something's on your mind and bothering you then it's worth trying to do something about it.

A very amazing and influential person in my life has always said to me 'If you're going to moan about it then do something about it, if not then shut up and get on with it'. It's harsh and blunt but very true. Life is too short so try to do what you can to be happy. Happiness is pictured different by every person. Sometimes you can't picture it. But then I think you should just be an opportunist and try new experiences until you can picture what it is that makes you happy. My perception of happiness is probably a lot different from yours but that's OK. Don't live your life for others, live your life for yourself. Make the necessary decisions for yourself to become happy. I've realised from being out here that I don't want to be a teacher and that travelling isn't a major priority for me. It's my family, socialising and finding that career that I love. I love writing, reading, art and socialising so that's what I'm concentrating on at the moment. That's why I've started this blog. I've enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it. Leave any comments or critiques if you want. I'd be interested to read your views. And I hope to blog again soon. Have a good day :)

First blog, first post and beginning

For my first post I hope to explain the purpose of this blog. So this maybe a long post but I hope for the following posts to be short, interesting and engaging.

To start with I want this to be personal and for people to relate, but I refuse to make this into an online diary entry. That's not what I think blogging is about. It's personal and reflective but in a way people can relate and reflect back on themselves after reading the blogs. I don't think it's about people's lives day to day, their routine and every little thing they do. As far as I'm concerned, that's what diaries and journals are for, at least that's how I'm viewing my blog. I want my blog to be different to that.

I plan to have themes, trails of thoughts and experiences written in my blogs. Partly for myself to arrange my thoughts and as a way of expressing myself, and partly in hopes that someone else can benefit from my writings too.

I won't introduce myself as that's always hard to summarise and explain. As this will be a personal, reflective blog I hope readers will understand and get to know me in a way most people won't.

Lastly, as I'm interesting in writing and improving my skills and style, please feel free to leave comments and constructive criticism so that I can gauge on my abilities and monitor any progress or regression I make. Thank you for reading and I hope future posts will be better and a good read for you guys.